“Underneath It All” & LCFR Photography

I hope you all are enjoying your weekend! It’s been pretty overcast where I live, but it’s supposed to clear-up tomorrow so I’m looking forward to being out in the sun again.

Here’s a few things I encourage all of you to check out…

1) “Underneath It All“

This blog has been linked to mine for a little while now, but I wanted to post a link again. Matt updates it pretty frequently and shares a lot of insightful thoughts and cool music. It would be awesome if you could visit his blog!

2) Laura Christine Photography

She is a wonderful artist and friend, and her photography is very relatable. She’s been working on this ongoing project that I found really meaningful: “Everyone feels invisible sometimes.” In the description, she writes, “No matter who you are, at some point in your life, you will feel invisible. It’s normal and you are not alone.” We all have experienced this feeling, whether we don’t have many close friends, or feel so far in the closet, or are rejected from people due to something about us. It’s a sad feeling, but, as she points out, we are never alone. We can be joined by our solitude and be reassured that there are others, somewhere, in the same situation who feel exactly as we do.

If you enjoy her photography, you can visit her Facebook page “Laura Christine Photography“. You can also follow her photography page on Twitter @LCFRPhotography.

Here’s some photos from this collection:

The use of “gay” and “fag” revisited

First, I’d like to thank every person who commented supportive and motivating comments for Jeremy. I’m positive he is very grateful for them, and he needs these kind words while dealing with his situation.

Second, a few months ago I wrote a post entitled “It’s so gay” to still be calling people “fags”. I wanted to revisit this topic and add a few more thoughts:

Are these phrases, particularly the word “fag”, becoming like the n-word? When I hear people say something’s “gay” or that so and so is a “fag” I get angry obviously. However, I do not mind at all if a LGBT person uses these words in a non-offensive manner. I’ve used these words, in a joking manner of course. I’m sure many of you have seen episodes of “Will & Grace” and the word “fag”, “fag hag”, etc. are used very commonly, and it doesn’t bother me at all. What does bother me is when people are using them in an offensive manner. I parallel this to the usage of the n-word. People who are white simply cannot use it, but black people can use that word. I heard (I think Whoopi Goldberg said this) it’s like a way of taking ownership over the words that were used against minorities. What are your thoughts?

*** Wow, thank you for all your instant feedback. This definitely is a large topic. I wanted to clarify a few things that I did not go into detail with. In my opinion, I do not take offense when a gay person uses these phrases (“that’s so gay”) in a joking manner (which is why I brought up the comedy TV show.) I DO take offense when they use them to criticize others in a negative way, even if they themselves are gay. I find it very disappointing when a gay person is negatively describing someone using these terms. I obviously find the n-word offensive, but I just wanted to make a point: who am I to tell a black person not to use that word? (Obviously I would never use it, but I have no say over their choice to use it.) Also, in NO way am I encouraging we use these words at all! We shouldn’t. I didn’t clearly say the word “intention” in my above paragraphs, but I separated the uses by saying “joking” or “offensive”. I fully agree it depends on the intention of the words if I do hear them that determines if I take offense or not. I did go back to re-edit some opaque areas, and I’m sorry for any confusion.

About Jeremy- PLEASE READ

I know many of you have noticed the absence of Jeremy’s blog. This is due to many recent and unfortunate events. In short, he was outed at school. Even more, a girl opened his blog on every computer in the library. His friend did cut the power, but the damage was done. Understandably, he was very upset but did find comfort in his school administration and some close friends. I have been talking to him and, as always, he is still the strong and brave person I’ve known since a few months back. He is looking forward to the future, and did say his blog will be up once he reaches a comfortable position. I’ve never been in his situation, so I can’t imagine the emotions he is feeling, but he is handling it all EXTREMELY well. If you’d like, I can pass messages to him from your comments.

With that, I will leave you a quote from one of his texts: “In retrospect, my outing has been one of the best things that has happened to me. Yes, I’ve lost people and gotten absolute hell, but at the same time I no longer have paranoia about people knowing…” He continued, “And the people that are my friends stuck by me, have made it a point to make sure no one gets to me and I know they’re there. I finally have people I know are there for me. And really love me.”

He will be alright

A small update

I’m currently on spring break; it started this weekend, and will continue until next Monday, which I’m very thankful for. Of course, the break could not be complete without a large piling of homework from teachers, but I’m trying to finish all of it before I go with my mom to bring home my sister from college.

I’ve been using this break so far to refuel and get back on my normal patterns of eating and exercising. (I don’t know if I’ve shared my HUGE interest in food on this blog yet, but I can admit I am a health-nut and I love cooking.) I’ve also am using this break to catch up on Will & Grace (is anyone else obsessed with Will? And added to that is my new obsession with Vince. I can’t stop.)

Anyways, I hope all of you are having a wonderful beginning of April, and, if you’re on spring break, I hope you’re enjoying it. If I don’t write another post before Easter, I hope you all have a great one, if you celebrate it. Otherwise, I hope it’s a relaxing day!

A life you don’t want

(I’m so afraid of this post coming across as me complaining. I’m not complaining, I’m just writing intuitively. I guess a lot of this post is speaking out to any other person who is struggling right now, so that may explain it a little better.)

I value honesty probably more than anything. I think I am obsessed with honest things because I see it as a way to connect and understand. It’s always difficult when people ask me in life- on here, wherever- how I am. As much as I, and many others, want to be honest, I think a lot of times we always stop short of the real truth, because we don’t want to seem in need of help or assistance or appear vulnerable or unsteady. We also don’t say the real truth because we want to set good examples of being positive and having things in order and being upright and collected. As much as we need positive examples of people who have it together, I think we, sometimes more importantly, need examples of people who live messy lives.

I can lie all I want and say that I am at a good place now. But who is that going to help? If other teens, whatever their reasons, are struggling, they don’t need to be lied to by me. They need to know that I am struggling just as much as they are. That’s honesty. That’s reassuring. That’s knowing you’re not alone. I can lie out of my ass all I want to and say I’m fine a hundred times, but that’s not going to make another person, who doesn’t feel fine, feel any better.

Obviously having role models of people living happy, successful lives after the drama of growing up is important because we need to see examples of what our future could be like and will be like. Hope is incredibly powerful. But, at the same time, if we feel alone in our lives right now, how the hell are we going to even feel hopeful for the future when we don’t even want to live now? I’ve been thinking it over, and I’m just driven to write with a renewed sense of honesty because trying to be a “positive example” is probably not as helpful to anyone as me just being me.

March madness

Hello! I’m so sorry I haven’t gotten a post up in the past couple of weeks- things have been pretty busy. So, for a short summary,

• School has been pretty jam-packed, and with the end of the quarter approaching I’ve been struggling to get some of my grades where I want them to be. I’ve also started PSSA testing this week, which is incredibly boring. But, I have researched from more colleges, and I’m looking at areas everywhere. Right now my dream is to go to college in California… but maybe that’s because I’m pining for summer and the ocean.
• I failed my first driver’s test. In a way, it seemed bound to happen, as a chain of bad events happened before that day and (although a cynical outlook) I felt it would continue. I parked fine, and drove fine, until I got to this one intersection which (just my luck) had a parked utility truck which blocked the road. I sort of had a disagreeable examiner who argued with me over various things from the beginning, and he thought I made poor judgement when deciding to make this turn (pulling out in front of a car that was, in my defense, stopped and, I thought, an okay distance away, but still) so he failed me for that. I’m going to retake my test in a couple of weeks (the waiting list is horrendous!) so hopefully I can pass. I feel this time around my anxiety will definitely be less present, but now my focus is on parallel parking and whether I can pass it again. (Real cars and cones are fine… but those tall barrels make me feel nervous and claustrophobic haha).
• I was at the doctors to see if anything could be done about my insomnia. I’m now on a strict bedtime schedule (9-9:30) with no naps after school, and I have to take a dose of melatonin before bed. Maybe it’s just the placebo effect, but I sware those pills are doing wonders. It’s just annoying to wake up exhausted after an 8-9 sleep, but my body does feel better.

Self-soothing methods for anxiety

Those of you who know me understand that I can be a bit- okay, maybe a lot- of a neurotic mess sometimes. Who hasn’t been every once in a while? We all face challenges and daily struggles and handle these circumstances in different ways. I used to (and it being a recovery process, still sometimes do) choose panic. When something seems too much I shut down and swim in my own pool of anxiety.

Through therapy, friends, self-help books, you-name-it, I’ve come across some methods of self-soothing. In all honesty, you cannot soothe every anxious feeling. Anxiety, like many other emotions, is essential to living: think fight-or-flight response in the sympathetic nervous system. But, if you find yourself panicking at irrational “what-if’s”, or feel a sense of dread due to black and white thinking, stay hopeful because there are things you can do to help alleviate it.

Keep in mind I am no psychologist; take from this post what you want. If your anxiety reaches a level that interferes with your life noticeably, I encourage you to make an appointment with a therapist.

Here are my favorite ways to soothe anxiety:

1. Maintain a healthy lifestyle