I can’t quit again

A few months ago, when I was in therapy, my therapist and I were talking about regrets. I said I regretted a lot. She said how she didn’t like regrets, but the only point of them is to make sure you don’t do the thing that you regret again, to learn and grow from them. I’ll also add you shouldn’t regret something so much that you stay in the past, but you should move into the future with what you learned from your regrets.

I know I mentioned that during my sophomore year, I quit the swim team. I guess many things played into that. I didn’t feel good enough for a few reasons. I quit because I was sad and lonely. I had barely any friends. I quit because I thought I wasn’t as lean as some of the other swimmers. Even though I’ve been relatively active some of my life, I gained weight because I struggled with emotional eating. I’d suppress my feelings with food, and then when I tried to stop I struggled with small binges. It was never anything very serious or disordered, but it still affected my weight. I was never very fat at all, but we’re so attune with our bodies and for me it just wasn’t a weight that I was comfortable at. I also quit because I didn’t think I was fast enough. I never pushed myself as far as I could’ve before. My freshman year my swim season got disturbed by my OCD, which acted up severely that year and I chose to go to therapy. Much of my thoughts and motivation went into trying to help my anxiety, and swimming just was in the back of my head. (One of the self-analyzed causes of my OCD is definitely feeling alone, and feeling worthless, and a lot of those feelings come from me being a closeted gay, who defined himself by stereotypes.)

You’d think that would be the first and last time I’d quit something just because I didn’t feel good enough. Not that I wasn’t good enough, or capable enough, or didn’t like it. I was the one who just felt that way. I did like swimming a lot, the friendship it brought was wonderful and the feeling of placing in a race was great.

But it wasn’t the first time I quit. I have a small history. I used to do gymnastics when I was younger, but once it got serious and I moved out of my recreational gym and had a practice experience with a team that competed, I got scared. It’s not good to let our feelings take over and sabotage what we want to do. I let my fear of change (and of heights) cause me to not compete and then, that year, end my gymnastics career. I don’t remember if my reason was valid (if I really didn’t like gymnastics) but I know that people saying I was gay (the school version, meaning feminine) because of doing gymnastics probably influenced that decision and definitely affected me years later when I constantly would tell myself I was feminine and not manly enough because of what some dumb kids said to other people as a sort of rumor.

I quit soccer when I was around 8. I was always afraid and anxious. I know, it sounds silly an incredibly neurotic. It was. My mom said I was so afraid of hurting other people that I wouldn’t really try to get in the action of where the ball was. I remember one time worrying if I was doing the right thing or not, and basically letting another team get the ball from me just so I knew I wasn’t messing up. I’m was so afraid of failing, that I actually, well, failed. I constantly needed others to validate what I was doing and tell me I was doing the right thing, and I’ve learned that if you constantly seek approval and someone to tell you that you are capable enough you aren’t going to really be living. Because, for me, when I wouldn’t get the answer I wanted, I would shut down. And quit. Maybe I didn’t like soccer, but I can’t help but think there’s a small chance I still did since I love playing soccer with my friends now just as I love gymnastics now.

I know a lot of gay men don’t feel good enough and seek approval a lot because of the negative stereotypes we think of when we think about our sexuality. But, like I said before, we are all good enough.

There’s just as many chances I didn’t take because of not having the self-worth, or not trying to work through the negative thoughts, to achieve them. I guess I can’t totally blame just my self-worth. But this past year I became really obsessed (in a good way) with fitness. I learned how amazing the body is, how much it can do. Exercising became my therapy. I changed how I looked and got stronger and healthier and more dedicated. Swimming this past summer went okay, but most of the summer I focused on “I feel fat and ugly” and “I have no friends, I’m pathetic” instead of working through those to change my life. Instead of trying to validate myself and achieve what I know I’m capable of, I validated those irrational beliefs and let them define me. I am not going to let that mistake rule me out of trying new things anymore.

This year I will be passionate about swimming. Even if I sometimes get tired of the repetitive laps. Even if my body aches, or I worry if I look good enough in a speedo. Me swimming has nothing to do with any of that. It has to do with me trying new things (or re-trying old ones); getting a good workout that makes me feel better and stronger; and, most of all, having the support of friends and a team. Experiencing my life with other people, so I’m not so fucking alone all the time. I can’t quit again for stupid reasons. Unless I’m truly dissatisfied doing something, I won’t allow my negative and anxious feelings control me. I won’t let any negative stereotypes of being gay get into my head and ruin my season.

So to end this post, this year I’m reaching out. This blog of course is one way to do that. Athletically, I’m going to push myself. I’m going to be a better swimmer, and I’m going to try out for maybe volleyball or, at the very least, have a group of friends I can hang out with a have a mini soccer match or game of touch football. Sports add so much to life. I’m surprised I’m saying that now, because when I was little up until a year or two ago I remember disliking sports.  I sort of feel some of that displeasure came from feeling I wasn’t good enough because I was gay (this was definitely the case in middle and high school), and from thinking I wasn’t as capable as the other guys because of my sexuality. Because now I love exercise and sports and the bonding that comes with a team. I have too many wonderful reasons on why not to quit, and I hope anyone reading this won’t let their negative thoughts disrupt their lives.

We have to learn from our regrets, not worry about them and live with them constantly. We need to move forward and reach out, grow, try new things to try to be a better athlete, a better gay man, son, friend, student and teen, and, hopefully, the person we always wanted to be.