COMING OUT PART 2

For PART 1 or for PART 3

continued… I heard a door open downstairs like someone was walking outside onto our porch. I knew it was my dad. Soon after a knock at my door, and my mom came in. She looked as if she cried for a bit. It’s funny because I don’t remember what happened too clearly. The things I write that my mom and dad said are just shaky memories, similar to what I know they said, but not exact, because I couldn’t absorb the exact memories because I was too surprised I had actually started coming out. I knew I had to be comfortable talking about it, regardless of how much I was blushing and sweating. I knew I had to be comfortable because I was proud of who I was and would defend myself if needed.

But I didn’t need to. Of course my mom said how she still loved me. She said how it was a big shock, and it’d take a while for my dad, and that she didn’t understand being gay, but she still supported it. While we were talking, our alarm went off (that tells us when drivers/walkers come up our driveway or leave it near the bottom of our lane). I thought my dad drove away, but my mom looked and said he must be on a walk.

I didn’t know what I should do. I was angry- why was he doing this? Why couldn’t he just give me a response even if it was bad? I’m very impatient sometimes, but I somehow waited after my mom left and he did come back. A knock at my door, he came in, sat down on chair near my bed.

His face was red. I asked if he cried. Dumb question on my part: his eyes were bloodshot and watery. “Do you see me?” he asked. I didn’t know what to do, if I should try to console him in any way, but I stayed on my bed. He started talking, and asking questions. I asked if he read my letter, and he said after he read the first line he wanted to vomit, it was that big of a shock. More questions, and my same response: “It’s in the letter, please read it.” He asked if I liked guys. I feel strange talking about that still. I shouldn’t have been smart, but I said “Well, that’s what gay means.”

I asked why he was upset, if he wanted me to be another way. He kept saying “I don’t know.” I said how he just needed to accept it and he has plenty of time to do that. He said how “It wasn’t what I expected.” I wasn’t what he expected. It didn’t hurt. I knew I couldn’t fulfill all his expectations, even when I was a kid. I figured one day it’d be acknowledged. We’re two very different people, but that doesn’t mean I don’t love him.

After a few more words, he came over, hugged me for a long time, and I just didn’t know what to do. He left.

I went on Facebook, changed my interests into men and women (I’m thinking I may have to take the women part down soon, but I did have a crush or two before). I made my status a sort of funny coming out one as a made-up conversation between two people: “I’m gay.” “You’re gay?” “Yeah, I’m gay.” “So..you like guys?” No, I like cardboard.

Some of my sisters friends talked to me, saying if I ever needed to vent or ask advice. Some said how they were bisexual and could understand a little what I was going through. After talking to some more supportive and close friends on Facebook, and calling my sister and another friend, I was finally able to sleep. It was a lousy sleep though, and I was so tired in the morning.

I woke up, very nervous for school. I knew people read my status, I said how it was true and not a joke if anyone asked. I was terrified to be honest. I started having small anxiety attacks, sweating, feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn’t eat much at breakfast, I just wasn’t hungry. I wanted to bail out from going to school, but I knew I’d have to face it one time or another.

Before I left for school, my dad called upstairs. He said, “I read your letter three or four times, and I want to talk about it after school.”

I said “Ok.”

The way I describe my morning seems fragmented. It just was a series of small conversations and events, and I was still shocked that this was real, this was happening, I was coming out and finally owning up to who I am. It was liberating, but that pleasant feeling was hid under a lot of discomfort and anxiety. I didn’t know who saw my status, who knew it was real or who had mistaken it as a joke. I had gym today, and I was worried about being harassed in the locker room and shower. I didn’t know how I could look anyone in the face without blushing.

I’m not ashamed of who I am. Change like this still scares the shit out of me though. I sat on the bus with my iPod listening to some of my favorite songs, trying to comfort myself. Deep breaths every once in a while. This was my first day being out at school. This was the first time I’d been honest. I was surprised how accustomed I was to the idea of it being out in the open, but that of course was no consolation. I just knew I had to face my fears because I came so far already.

At school, nothing was said. A few encouraging smiles. My one close friend said how one kid in my grade asked her if it was true, how he heard from 5 people, and she said it was. He replied with “I knew it.” Stay calm, Sam. Though that’s the worst, being judged before and coming out and having people think they know you.

But it doesn’t matter. School went well. No harassment, nothing yet. I know not many people knew, but no one said anything. A lot of my fears disappeared as the day went on and I came home sane. The conversation I would have with my dad later in the day was in the back of my mind, and I knew he was going to be home soon. I just had to wait.

Part 3 will be up later tonight. I know I purposely left it on a cliffhanger…but now you get to feel exactly how I did! I’ll just say all is well though, don’t worry!